Dealing with my mom's condition is starting to get harder and harder for me. I feel like I'm so far away from the situation and it really weighs on me. I have to keep reminding myself, This life I've been given is a blessing, the Army has been the best thing for our family. We are on a path that we love and it works for us. Home is where the Army sends you, and well, we will go where we have to.
I probably can't even count the amount of times Makayla or Tanner talk about wishing their Grana would get better, or the look on Makayla's face when she tells me she's prayed for her Grana and maybe her Grana can get better and come visit. I can't just look at her and be point blank-- I physically just can't, but I also can't lie to her. Tanner doesn't really ask, he understands far to well I believe. I think it all boils down to my denial, and also my denial that I'm in denial.
This whole post is leading up to this.... my dream I had last night....
I'm in this room with my mom. She's as healthy as can be. She's holding Landon and singing, You are my sunshine, and he's trying to stick his fingers in her mouth and nose (like he does us constantly) Then Makayla runs in and says HEY I remember that song my Grana sang it to me when I was a little girl, I look around suddenly and I realize I'm alone and have no clue where the song came from or how Makayla heard it. I woke up crying. Really couldn't sleep afterwards. Just laid there pretty much thinking WHY. WHY WHY WHY. So I pull out the phone- going to google. Honestly IDK what I searched for- I was kinda in a haze. I got to this verse "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6 - 7 So I thought ok, this is what I needed to read. I have to remember to THANK him for all the wonderful things he has done. THANK him for giving me my mother and all the years I had with her. THANK him that my 2 oldest still keep her memory alive and well almost daily. THANK him that they love and care so much that they PRAY for her on their own. And THANK him that Landon is my constant reminder of my mom. I just pray for peace... Peace to be able to live with the fact that Landon won't have the same memories, but also the hope that we can make sure he knows her and all the wonderful things about her even still.
Time runs out b4 you know it- and even though my mom is still with us, she's not there anymore. I have to face that. I have to stop pretending like this isn't really happening. When your denial is in denial you're really in for it when it comes to the surface. Is like this song I have on repeat most days... I know that God will never waste the pain.. So here I am, just a girl hoping that through it all, I grow and keep sight on the good, and THANK GOD that I am given this chance to grow and learn and raise my family in a way that would make him, and my mom proud.
