Comparison

I'm washing dishes, ok not technically -- I'm just placing them in this fancy box that washes them for me. I start talking, albeit the kids think I'm yammering on to myself,  but I'm just having a conversation with GodI , I'm asking for him to show me why this word comes up so much. One word. Comparison. It's came up so much in the past 2 days alone.

As I'm standing there, I picture this hallway, doors up and down both sides, I have a key- looks like a normal every day boring key.  I see all these people with their keys, some are glittery, neon, heart shaped, some with football team logos, ya know- fun looking keys. Here I am with this boring plain key. I start walking trying to find the door that the key goes to. As I walk I get to see glimpses of what is on the other side of the doors that everyone's "nicer" key opens. Extravagant, Elegant things, I'm thinking wow, If only I could have gotten that key, or that key all I got was this plain key what could it possibly lead to. Then suddenly I'm stopped at the end of this hallway by a wall. A wall I can see over but I can't get over leading to my door. On the door there's a note saying, You spent so much time glaring at what others have and didn't bother trying to see what you have so you built this wall.

Wait,  I built this wall? I spent all this time comparing what I have, what I do, where I am at, I didn't think for one second that I could have something great and wonderful that was meant FOR ME behind my own door. So now what? I'm standing here totally blown away thinking well God what do I do now. I hear Tear it down. Brick by brick. Remove that wall. Don't let wanting everything that others have or do keep you from your blessings, your joy, your purpose God has for you.

Thoughts on all the "sharing" that's going around...

This is solely my opinions and thoughts-- 

In light of all the sharing of unverified information that we all think to be true because it sounds good, or looks good, I feel we need to sit back and remember a few things. At least I do. 

• 2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by FAITH, not by SIGHT.

This is not a verse to just refer to when you are unsure about things. This is something to be applied to every day life. It's like on that commercial, you can't put anything that isn't true on the internet, lets be realistic. Half of what you see is altered into what they WANT you to see. Case and point- if I share a photo of myself on facebook or what have you, best believe it's photo shopped in the best way I know how-- You will see what I want you to see and not the blemishes and not so perfect teeth and circles under my eyes. What you see online can and will be deceiving, esp by those that want you to think the way they think. Like I want you to think I look like I do on facebook, all the time (ha ha ha) but that's just not true and I can admit that.... over being silly now, just wanted to make a point. Here we are sharing photos and accusing and what fuels this? Faith or Sight? I think you know the answer. You know I often remind myself, PRAY before you speak. What would happen if we PRAYED before we hit share? Something to think about. 

•  Philippians 4:6 Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

This is something I should repeat to myself daily. I can be such a worrier, there are SO many scriptures to remind us to NOT worry. Safe to say our God knew we would need those words, over and over again. We all get so busy sharing all these Gun control, Sandy Hook, Obama, Government downfall stories we don't fully see what is going on. We are worrying. Worrying and becoming anxious about tomorrow, not to mention worrying about things that are OF this world.

• Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind....

You've prob heard it before, Be in the world, not OF the world. It is the BEST thing to be reminded of. This world is our temporary home. We need to make an impact while we are here. We need to encourage our children to grow up and be in it not of it. All the conspiracy theories and the constant complaining and moaning about how screwed up everything in this world can be- is not what our focus should be. We are here, for now. We don't have any control over anything except ourselves, because we have been given the free will to decide for ourselves.

Today I choose not to worry about those situations around me that have nothing to do with me. Today I choose to love everyone for them, no matter their thoughts and opinions.(and football team lol) Today I choose to play with my children and bring them up in a world of cruelty the best way I know how. Today social media propaganda will not influence me in anyway. Today I live for you Dear Lord. You have my back. I am not alone, I am not afraid. 

Timing the expected

There's the saying "expect the unexpected" I'm sure the definition behind this thought is pretty self explanatory. Expecting what is not expected, has nothing on the realization of the things you already know are coming. 

The end of 2012, we knew since Sept that this was not going to be the way we wanted to end the year. Deployments are never easy, they are never fun, it really doesn't matter if it's your 1st or 7th. 

At 12am on Dec 29th, we prepared to say goodbye to our soldier. This night was unlike most of these types of nights. Tj had just made the cut off and picked up his E-5. They allowed him to be pinned prior to leaving so that we could be a part of his ceremony. Our oldest, Tanner, had the honor of pinning the new rank on his father, a moment I am grateful he got to have. In this moment I'm faced with this over whelming feeling of just knowing, that in this time of sadness, God has provided us a happy moment. Something to celebrate. How great is our God?! 

An hour passes, the feeling I once had has diminished. I know what is coming. I know that when I get back in the car, and I pull up to the house, when I lay my head down in our bed, I'm doing it all alone. These thoughts creep in and the tears are uncontrollable. The expected... reality can knock you sideways. I missed that man from the moment I watched him run out of the battery to catch up with the guys that were marching off (that story- let's just say my husbands job had him tied up the whole night and formation pretty much went on while he was still sorting keys out and locking stuff up) Our children adore their father. They are older now and it makes goodbye harder. No doubt about it, we love our Sgt. Posey, with all our hearts. 

Dec 31st, 1:30am. Middle of the night in a Nyquil induced slumber can have your mind going crazy when your phone rings. The moment I fully realized who it was on the other end, I knew what was happening. My brother doesn't just call to say hey how are ya, esp not at 1:30 in the morning. This was the call I had been expecting to get at any given moment. My mom had been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2010. She had been declining ever since. Part of me knows why it happened so fast. She didn't want to be where she was or how she was, esp after my Grandfather went through similar. Expected.... we knew this was coming. I think I knew even more in Oct when I last got to see her. Seeing her how she was... absolutely killed my heart. Sitting there, going through all the things one says to someone else when this situation happens to them,  was absolutely doing me no good at all. I am strong in my Faith and what I believe but I am 24 hours removed from saying goodbye to the love of my life, I was not prepared to say goodbye to THE LOVE that gave me LIFE. I would be lying if I told you the words God why didn't leave my lips that night. Yes Tiffany, question God, the one you know to trust, the one you know never gives you more than you can handle, the one you know is the reason why you can smile and see the light in times of darkness. WAY TO GO. I can't explain it, it's like I went through 18 personalities sitting in my living room floor crying my eyes out. No matter how much of me knew this was better, and my mom is happy again, and she wasn't suffering anymore, I still couldn't stop my erratic behavior. Nothing prepares you for things like these, no matter how expected.  

I was overwhelmed with support from friends and family, it all meant the world to me. I'm still feeling the love and support now, and I am grateful. Because the Lord provides comfort and happiness in times of sadness. How great is our God! 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 

Following your HEART

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,

    and desperately wicked.

    Who really knows how bad it is?

Jeremiah 17:9

Hard to take in at first, right? We've always heard the age old term, "Follow your heart... " We tell ourselves this is the way, this is right, I followed my heart and my heart wants this. Then when reality hits it's hard to understand. 

When you look around and you see the all the evil acts that are happening around us we are immediately judgmental esp. in believing that only such things happen when someone is "mentally unstable" or has a "mental illness" whether or not someone has or hasn't been clinically diagnosed with such an illness has absolutely nothing to do with what is in their hearts. Following your heart can take one down a dark twisted road and one may make decisions that ultimately cause a ripple effect that can spread far and wide. 

I know, I know, it's not ALWAYS like that. Following our hearts can be the best thing we ever do. We have to make sure that heart, is in the right hands first. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

There is hope. He always provides hope right? Trust in the LORD with all your heart! Now, if our hearts are with the LORD we should in fact "Follow our hearts" If we all step back and for a moment just LET it all go, say God, I know you're in my heart. I know you know what is best. Lead me.

Weapons are not purely physical things. People may want more "gun control" but until the people of this world no longer are fueled by hate and the evil that resides in their heart, we won't fully feel or be protected. We still shouldn't live in fear. We can strive to Follow a heart filled with the Lord, and share that with the world around us.Maybe that's a ripple effect that will spread far and wide and help us all.

This little Light of mine.....

Ephesians 5

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. ² Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us^[a] and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.

³ Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ⁴ Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ⁵ You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.

⁶ Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. ⁷ Don’t participate in the things these people do. ⁸ For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! ⁹ For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

Lines, they blur so easily. Especially when you are overly focusing. Even the best laid plans slip right through your hands *cue cheesy music*. We can set our minds each day to walk the path less traveled and we say "Today I will not get distracted" only to stumble upon a shiny gold coin in which you thought "eh it's just a gold coin I can go off path for just that, and get right back on track" next thing you know you are 5 miles down the road in the wrong direction and you feel like instead of going back you will just see it out to the end and start over. Starting over never seems like the easy logical choice by then. Luckily it's easier than most of us think- if we don't "over focus."

I know I've been there. I know we all have. It's what we do after we get ourselves on these wrong roads that help us grow. Without growth, we stand still. We stand still we get idle hands. Devil loves some idle hands! 

If we break these verses down and really listen to what is being said we realize this reaches us all. Obscene stories- foolish talk... we all become guilty of that without even realizing it half the time. Gossiping and telling stories on others, all of that to me falls under it. We all do it and we all say we hate it. It's a cycle. Well take that hamster off it's wheel and let's try to LET IT GO. Starts within us. When you hear a story about your neighbor, choose to NOT repeat it. You may can not stop it from spreading like wild fire, but you can make sure you don't throw fuel on that fire. 

Don't be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins. A sin is a sin is a sin. There are no excuses and no excusing. We can't simply say well this person ONLY did this, but at least didn't do that and make out like it's all ok. In God's eyes it's all the same. 

Me and Tj have been working daily towards the relationship we've always wanted and the relationship God wants for us. We have come a long way and every day feels like the first day. We both try our hardest to live by the words we read in his word. We pick our battles wisely. We compliment each other. We listen to each other. Things you never thought about b4, we think about them now. We take our light God has given us and we try our best to let it shine through us. Our kids I feel reap benefits from it as well because I see the lights in them shining brighter than ever. 

Live a life filled with love, imitate God in everything, and let the light within you produce only what is good and right and true! 

I am an Army Wife, key word, WIFE.

The title says it all, I am an Army Wife, proud one, but more importantly I am a wife. Other things I am include mommy, house keeper, cook, bus boy, an adult, and most importantly, a Christian.

It seems to me like lately more people just want to label everything, and everyone. Stereo types only exist if you let them. All the labeling in the military spouse world is BEYOND me. "Dependopotamus" is the worst I've heard so far. A stay at home mom or spouse that does nothing but sit and leach off of the service members pay/benefits, I hate to break it to you but, things like that do not just happen in a Military household. That is not what all Military spouses that stay at home do. That is what individuals (no matter what situation) choose to do on their own. Another one is that mil spouses just cheat cheat cheat when the Soldier is away. Again, something that individuals decide to do on their own. And "Tag chasers" now we won't touch that one bc I still don't get that one fully. Are there people like this? I'm sure. Is it my place to judge them? No.

Being a WIFE, no title, just WIFE has it's responsibilities in itself. The Bible talks all about that.
  Ephesians 5:22-33 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

People misinterpret this in so many ways. Some only see the "wives submit to husbands part" that's clearly not all of it. The word submit as defined in dictionaries is not what this verse is saying. The way I see it is we are to lift up and listen and be to our husbands what the church is to Christ, and in turn the husband is to love and guide the wife as Christ does the church. It is argued that it's not mutual, but the responsibilities wives have differs from the husbands but they are both significant and they work together perfectly.

I was a wife to Tj for 5 years before he joined the service. Joining the Army was something he had to do. Responsibility as a husband and father to provide and if nothing else was going to do so, Army it is. Being an Army wife is different in so many ways, you learn to speak in acronyms otherwise you will never understand what they are talking about, you learn the break down from Division, Brigade, Battalion, etc.. (which took me a while), you sometimes are alone doing everything by yourself from grocery shopping to bed time stories, but you do it all in support of your soldier who is supporting his country. In the end you are still a wife, no title, nothing, just a wife bc at the end of the day that Soldier is still a man.

Father's.....

With father's day coming up, I figure I'd write about well... father's. I have a full blooded Vietnamese dad. Now life with him wasn't always a happy go lucky little journey. It wasn't the most horrible thing either. I have to remember that he is from a different country and grew up with completely different outlooks and ways about him. I know that the journey to America for a better life was a hard fought one, and getting his family the same luxury after he made it was hard as well. Like everyone, adaptation was what I feel got to him the most, staying who you always were and living in a new environment with all these concepts of how life "should" be can be challenging. Through it all, I know I was taking care of, I just felt like I lacked the closeness and love that in my head was how a father should be. My dad loves me, he just battles with how to show it, has for as long as I can remember. 

Let me take it farther back for you... My ideas of a father came from my Grandaddy. You never had to question how he felt, he showed us all how much he loved us all the time. I do feel like if it weren't for him my dad wouldn't have been able to show the amount of love that he actually does show. I know my dad looked up to him more than Granddaddy probably ever knew. Life really changed when he left us here to go home. 

Grandaddy wasn't the only father I looked up to, I have the coolest, craziest Uncle in world. Uncle Frank. He is a big goofball. He is the one that all kids get attached to... Just ask oh, Kaylee, Cade, Bradley, Madelyn, Tanner, Makayla....and me... lol... He gave me the idea that fathers should be fun and willing to be silly just to see someone smile. 

All the men I grew up with all taught me what I would hope to find in a father for my children one day- A fighter who provides, a loving man who teaches us how to love and be good, and a fun silly man who teaches us you are never to old to bond with a child on their level. 

I can say that I fully believe I have found that man. Tj has had ups and downs his whole life. I know the relationship with his father is a battle in his mind and heart. The heartbreak he has gone through over feeling like his father didn't care follows him. It is a constant reminder to me on how no matter what me and my dad went thru, it could always be worse. Tj didn't have the same kind of men in his life. Tj has a wonderful step father who I don't think he ever refers to as his step father. He may have gone through his own battles and had to step up to be the man he is today, but he was the provider and he has showed Tj that it is NEVER too late to get on track and be the man God wants you to be. I have seen Tj step up and become even more determined to break the cycle and be everything for his kids that he wanted growing up. Spinning a negative to a positive. Tj shows the kids daily how much he loves them, tries his best to never disappoint them, and always keeps his promises. They love all the time they get with their daddy! He is also more driven as a man to get as far ahead as he can to provide for us all, not to mention he is as silly and crazy as can be. 

All in all, they say girls find someone like their daddy. I found someone like all 3 of the father's I had/have in my life. I'd say I'm one lucky girl. 

Winding roads and mountain tops....

For Spring break this year we opted for Mountains, and of course, family! Over the mountains and through the woods to MawMaws house we go- literally... It was quite a ride! We left at midnight and every time we stopped... All 3 sets of little eyes opened. It was pretty smooth considering Landon really can't stand his car seat. Trying to keep Tj awake was my challenge- all bc he knew I wouldn't want to drive through the mountains. Well, we get ALMOST there and wouldn't ya know, it's 6 am and Makayla gets car sick. Winding roads don't agree with her tummy I guess! 

Now I'll be honest, NC was not my favorite place... We lived there for almost a year once, it took all day just to go to Walmart, the only places I think we ever ate out at was Burger King and Shoney's... it was like living in older times or something and I realized that I'm def a "modern" girl. Oh and it wasn't fun being the only "Japanese" girl in town either... yes, Japanese must have been the only Asian ethnicity that anyone ever heard of. I hated to break their hearts when I told them they still have never met a Japanese girl... Never the less, the trip was a lot of fun. 

I have to take a little time out to talk about a very special little girl. Her name is Bailey. She's a blonde haired blue eyed cutie who in her 5 years has gone through so much and doesn't even know it. She is surrounded by so much love she doesn't ever get to see the bad side of anyone or anything. She's a firecracker, bc well she is her daddy's girl. Randy (Tj's brother) is and always will be a little spitfire himself. If you know the family and you know the situation you understand what I mean when I say they have been through a lot. Bailey lost a sister, but gained one precious angel. I know I didn't know Raven very long or very well, but I know that she's a special part of Bailey as is Ava, even if Bailey is to young to understand any of it. Bailey can whine and carry on and make you think oh man I'm going to pull my hair out and turn around and look at you with that little smile and make you forget anything ever happened... MawMaw and Uncle Randy have their hands full for sure. She is a blessing and we are all better off knowing her. She is a shining example that there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS something to be thankful for, no matter what the situation is. Makayla is already ready to see her cousin again! 

During our trip we celebrated our 9th Anniversary. 9 years! It's amazing that we got this far huh?! When I say it was all by the grace of God, I mean it! I know that anyone and everyone goes through their fair share of heartache and ups and downs in a marriage. We have been there done that, but by the grace of God we have survived it all. The devil throws everything he can at you one way or the other. We didn't make it this far by clinging to each other. We made it through by clinging to God first. There is no greater love, no matter how hard we tried to make it about each other or about ourselves, until we focused on the true center of it all we really couldn't see clearly. Lifestyle changes in the past year has us to a place in our lives that we wouldn't change for the world. Letting go and Letting GOD is actually easier when you stop saying it and just do it. I remember Bro Dean counseling us b4 the wedding... a wedding that was surround by this stigma of failure due to circumstances. 17 and pregnant was never what anyone intended for me, or I intended for myself, but I was where I was supposed to be. I remember him saying something like "I'm going to try and talk you out of getting married" if he could then, well you get it... We were talking about that one night... and after all the years we've been together and knowing now what I for sure didn't know then... I'd marry that man all over again. 9 years later and I still can't be talked out of it! :) 

Spring break was fun! It was time well spent with people we love. Gas was pricey, but we'd do it all over again anytime! 

Time....

Time. If you ask Makayla, what is time? She replies well it's the numbers on the clock that tell you what minute of the day it is- and there's like a ton of those! The view from a child's perspective is sometimes something we all need. Makayla is young and to her there is a TON of time. Sadly sometimes we learn that time can disappear so fast, and sometimes, slowly. 

Dealing with my mom's condition is starting to get harder and harder for me. I feel like I'm so far away from the situation and it really weighs on me. I have to keep reminding myself, This life I've been given is a blessing, the Army has been the best thing for our family. We are on a path that we love and it works for us. Home is where the Army sends you, and well, we will go where we have to. 

I probably can't even count the amount of times Makayla or Tanner talk about wishing their Grana would get better, or the look on Makayla's face when she tells me she's prayed for her Grana and maybe her Grana can get better and come visit. I can't just look at her and be point blank-- I physically just can't, but I also can't lie to her. Tanner doesn't really ask, he understands far to well I believe. I think it all boils down to my denial, and also my denial that I'm in denial.

This whole post is leading up to this.... my dream I had last night....

I'm in this room with my mom. She's as healthy as can be. She's holding Landon and singing, You are my sunshine, and he's trying to stick his fingers in her mouth and nose (like he does us constantly) Then Makayla runs in and says HEY I remember that song my Grana sang it to me when I was a little girl, I look around suddenly and I realize I'm alone and have no clue where the song came from or how Makayla heard it. I woke up crying. Really couldn't sleep afterwards. Just laid there pretty much thinking WHY. WHY WHY WHY. So I pull out the phone- going to google. Honestly IDK what I searched for- I was kinda in a haze. I got to this verse "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6 - 7 So I thought ok, this is what I needed to read. I have to remember to THANK him for all the wonderful things he has done. THANK him for giving me my mother and all the years I had with her. THANK him that my 2 oldest still keep her memory alive and well almost daily. THANK him that they love and care so much that they PRAY for her on their own. And THANK him that Landon is my constant reminder of my mom. I just pray for peace... Peace to be able to live with the fact that Landon won't have the same memories, but also the hope that we can make sure he knows her and all the wonderful things about her even still. 

Time runs out b4 you know it- and even though my mom is still with us, she's not there anymore. I have to face that. I have to stop pretending like this isn't really happening. When your denial is in denial you're really in for it when it comes to the surface. Is like this song I have on repeat most days... I know that God will never waste the pain.. So here I am, just a girl hoping that through it all, I grow and keep sight on the good, and THANK GOD that I am given this chance to grow and learn and raise my family in a way that would make him, and my mom proud.

We love, you love, we all love ;)

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 

Those are the words that so perfectly adorn my wall over my dining table. Makayla and Tanner was trying to guess what it was going to say as I hung it up. "We love because.... we are pretty?" Makayla asked once.. Tanner then replied "NO it's going to say We love because we are nice." Finally I finish and Tanner says, ohhh MAKAYLA I know what it means, It's from the Bible. Makayla asks "What's it mean exactly?" Tanner answers "That God loves us so we love, well, I think, everyone." 

Little moments like that really make me feel like one blessed individual. We often don't think about why we love in the first place. We also forget that we are to love one another. I know I am guilty sometimes. I get mad, I say things, I do things... all which are not examples of loving as I should.  Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 1 John 4:20 I know that it's hard to love others sometimes, even if they are people you know or don't know. It's one thing I'm trying to remember. 

That's my wall for now.... once I get all my frames, I will be putting a lot of pictures up, but for now I wanted to share the verse :)