The end of 2012, we knew since Sept that this was not going to be the way we wanted to end the year. Deployments are never easy, they are never fun, it really doesn't matter if it's your 1st or 7th.
At 12am on Dec 29th, we prepared to say goodbye to our soldier. This night was unlike most of these types of nights. Tj had just made the cut off and picked up his E-5. They allowed him to be pinned prior to leaving so that we could be a part of his ceremony. Our oldest, Tanner, had the honor of pinning the new rank on his father, a moment I am grateful he got to have. In this moment I'm faced with this over whelming feeling of just knowing, that in this time of sadness, God has provided us a happy moment. Something to celebrate. How great is our God?!
An hour passes, the feeling I once had has diminished. I know what is coming. I know that when I get back in the car, and I pull up to the house, when I lay my head down in our bed, I'm doing it all alone. These thoughts creep in and the tears are uncontrollable. The expected... reality can knock you sideways. I missed that man from the moment I watched him run out of the battery to catch up with the guys that were marching off (that story- let's just say my husbands job had him tied up the whole night and formation pretty much went on while he was still sorting keys out and locking stuff up) Our children adore their father. They are older now and it makes goodbye harder. No doubt about it, we love our Sgt. Posey, with all our hearts.
Dec 31st, 1:30am. Middle of the night in a Nyquil induced slumber can have your mind going crazy when your phone rings. The moment I fully realized who it was on the other end, I knew what was happening. My brother doesn't just call to say hey how are ya, esp not at 1:30 in the morning. This was the call I had been expecting to get at any given moment. My mom had been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2010. She had been declining ever since. Part of me knows why it happened so fast. She didn't want to be where she was or how she was, esp after my Grandfather went through similar. Expected.... we knew this was coming. I think I knew even more in Oct when I last got to see her. Seeing her how she was... absolutely killed my heart. Sitting there, going through all the things one says to someone else when this situation happens to them, was absolutely doing me no good at all. I am strong in my Faith and what I believe but I am 24 hours removed from saying goodbye to the love of my life, I was not prepared to say goodbye to THE LOVE that gave me LIFE. I would be lying if I told you the words God why didn't leave my lips that night. Yes Tiffany, question God, the one you know to trust, the one you know never gives you more than you can handle, the one you know is the reason why you can smile and see the light in times of darkness. WAY TO GO. I can't explain it, it's like I went through 18 personalities sitting in my living room floor crying my eyes out. No matter how much of me knew this was better, and my mom is happy again, and she wasn't suffering anymore, I still couldn't stop my erratic behavior. Nothing prepares you for things like these, no matter how expected.
I was overwhelmed with support from friends and family, it all meant the world to me. I'm still feeling the love and support now, and I am grateful. Because the Lord provides comfort and happiness in times of sadness. How great is our God!
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
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